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JOHN  HENRY  NASH 


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EXTRA!! 

FmRy-mMTONOw 

WIILUIGEIilNJH[  BANDIT,  tGIIIN 


OLD  FAVDDITES 


SLlYEyLREIIDY  CONVICTED  or  lOVE 

SONNETS  OE II  HOODLUM  UNO 

RODIIIIfllT  OF  DMtO 

KHAYVIIM,  JR. 


THE  VICTIMS: 

BABES  IN  THE  WOOD 

CINDERELLA 

JACK  THE  GIANT-KILLER 

SLEEPING  BEAUTY 
LITTLE   RED  RIDING  HOOD 


PAUL  ELDER,  THE  SAN  FRANCISCO 

PUBLISHER,  BRINGS  TO 

LIGHT  THE  DETAILS  OF  THE  TRAGEDY 


Copyright,  1904 
BY  Paul  Elder  and  Company 

San  Francisco 


Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall 

London 


The  Tomoye'  Prem 
San  Francisco 


TIBLE  or  CONTENTS 


I.  THE  SLEEPINE  DEIDTY 

(IE  mOMD  lEII) - 


II.  LiniE  RED  IIIDIIIi; 

(liiraiTEO  ffli)  -   -   -   -  6 


Hi.  BIBES  IN  THE  WOOD 

(KFOILmDIIPPEIIS)    -   -      10 


IV.  CINOERELU 

(fflS  IT  BUSS)  -  -   -  -      15 


V.  JACK  THE  eUNT-KILLEII 

(nEWEDTnECIIIIIT)    -   -     20 


Of  yore  the  foolish  Fairy  made 

His  fame  in  childish  story; 
But  now  he  wisely  plies  his  trade 

And  never  thinks  of  glory. 

The  Ogre  at  his  modern  meal 
Boasts  loud  of  stocks  and  margin , 

Breakfasts  on  Standard  Oil  and  Steel 
And  keeps  right  on  enlarging 

The    Woodland  Babes  your  childhood  met 
May  still  enjoy  their  capers ; 

But  when  they're  lost  they  only  get 
A  write-up  in  the  papers. 

Where  is  the    Wizard  dark  of  fate  ^ 
Whose  word  brought  sloth  and  ruinf 

Behold  the    Walking  Delegate 

Who  murmurs^  *  ^  Nothin '  doin  \^  * ' 

And  if  the  stage  attracts  our  faySy 
None  will  forbid,  that's  certain. 

But  hush!  the  play  is  on — so  raise 
The  advertising  curtain. 


HE  HYPm  HER! 

WHLKING  DELEGIITE'S  STRHNeE 
CDNTflOL  OVER  SLEEP- 
ING BEAUTY 


IN  A  TRANCE   FORTY  DAYS- 
MARRIAGE   FOLLOWS 


The  lovely  Princess  Goldy  was  a  very  lady- 
like 

Little  maid  who  ruled  the  classic  burg  of  Jay- 
town-on-the-Pike, 

And  as  regent  of  the  country  she  was  known 
for  many  a  mile, 

Enthroned  within  her  palace  built  **in  chaste 
colonial  style/* 

It   seems   the    Princess    was   betrothed    Prince 

Charming  for  to  wed, 
The   son   of  Pierpont   Charming,  Wall   Street 

king  and  thoroughbred, 
So  she  brought  down  from  the  city  maids  and 

servants  thirty-four 
(Counting  the  janitor  and  the  boy  who  showed 

you  to  the  door). 
1 


THE  SLEEPING  BEAUTY.    Page  2 

The  house  was  renovated,  the  trousseau  was  pre- 
pared, 

The  curtains  in  the  dining-room  were  taken 
down  and  aired, 

The  royal  porch  was  painted  white,  the  steps 
a  neutral  grey, 

And  everything  was  upside  down  preparing  for 
the  day. 

About  this  time  there  came  to  town  a  man  of 
wrath  and  hate, 

A  fell  Magician  posing  as  a  Walking  Dele- 
gate ; 

And  he  spied  the  gang  of  workmen  and  the 
nuptial  preparations, 

And  said,  ** These  folks  look  overworked — I'll 
give  'em  all  vacations." 

First  he  went  to  Princess  Goldy,  and  he  said, 
**It  is  my  fate 

To  queer  the  wedding  bells,  for  F  m  a  Walking 
Delegate. 

I  love,  adore  you.  Princess  fair  of  Jaytown-on- 
the-Pike, 

So  be  my  wife,  or  else  Til  call  a  general  ser- 
vants' strike." 

The  Princess  arched  her  noble  brow  and  an- 
swered him  to  wit: 

**Not  on  your  cabinet  photo,  sir,  likewise 
nay-nay  and  nit." 

Then  as  she  left  the  Delegate  he  sneered  with- 
out a  flinch, 

*  *  This  palace  is  non-union.  Have  I  foiled  her  ?  — 
it's  a  cinch!" 


THE  SLEEPING  BEAUTY.    Page  3 


So  he  went  to  all  the  servitors  and  whispered 
just  a  word  — 

No  more  the  sound  of  sweeping  brooms  or  shak- 
ing rugs  was  heard, 

No  more  the  dishes  rattled  in  that  palace  by 
the  Pike, 

For  joyous  Jay  town's  royal  court  was  tied  up 
in  a  strike. 

The  Princess  rushed  as  one  distraught  unto  the 

telephone. 
Alas!  there  was  a  Hneman's  strike  and  answer 

came  there  none ; 
Adown  the  empty  stairs  she  sprang,  a  hansom 

cab  to  hail. 
But  the  cabby  just  yelled  ' '  Boycott ! ' '  and  her 

tears  were  no  avail. 

Then  she  saw  a  little  A.  D.  T.  official  stroll- 
ing by, 

And  said,  *  *  Here,  Johnnie,  take  this  message 
to  the  station  —  fly!'' 

But  the  youngster  puffed  his  cigarette,  and  bash- 
fully said  he, 

**Goask  de  dream  book,  loidy.  You  ain't  in 
de  Union  —  see  ! ' ' 

Poor  Goldy  !  she  was  up  against  an  unaccus- 
tomed job. 

She  sat  upon  the  palace  steps  and  sobbed  a 
haughty  sob. 

While  unbeknownst  the  Delegate  sneaked  up 
behind,  and  hissed 

A  word  that  threw  her  in  a  trance — he  was  a 
hypnotist. 


THE  SLEEPING  BEAUTY.    Page  4 


For  forty  days  and  nights  the  Princess  lan- 
guished in  her  trance, 

The  while  the  Walking  Delegate  led  Jaytown 
such  a  dance ! 

He  tied  the  urban  railways  up,  he  tied  the  gas- 
works down, 

He  drew  his  magic  ring  around  the  factories 
in  town. 

When  Charming,  Jr.,  heard  of  this  in  Gotham 

far  away 
He  packed  his  trunk  with  bills  and  sought  the 

sleeping  town  of  Jay ; 
No  fear  had  he   for   magic   or   the  Delegate's 

foul  thrusts, 
For  wasn't  Charming' s  pa  a  king  who  owned 

a  bunch  of  trusts? 

He  rolled  into  the  spell-bound  burg  which  slept 

beside  the  Pike, 
And  called  upon  the   Delegate  who'd  brought 

about  the  strike. 
And  thrusting  something  long  and  green  into 

the  Wizard's  hand, 
He  caused  the  latter   to   exclaim,    **I  think  I 

understand. ' ' 

Once  more  the   urban  street   cars   rolled,  the 

gas-works'  whistle  blew, 
The  milk  carts  rattled  on  the  stones,  the  shops 

were  opened,  too  ; 
The  factories  along  the   Pike  took  on  a  busy 

roar, 
And  everybody  soon   forgot  what  they'd  been 

striking  for. 


THE  SLEEPING  BEAUTY.    Page  5 


The   Princess?      She   was   broad   awake  when 

Charming  struck  the  town 
(Her  trance  was  wound  for  forty  days  and  by 

itself  ran  down  ) , 
And  the    palace    court    attendants,    when    the 

Bishop  said  the  word, 
Went  rigfht  on  with  the  marriage  as  if  nothing 

had  occurred. 


The  moral  of  this  truthful  myth,  regardless  of 

the  plot, 
Is :    Love  still  laughs  at  Lockouts ;  also,  Strike 

while  the  Iron  is  hot. 


ADULKRIIKD  FOOD 


W.  CRIIY  WOLF  DIES  UNDER  SUSPI- 


LITTLE  RED  RIDING 


THE  TWO  SEEN  TOGETHER 

SHORTLY  BEFORE  THE  TRAGEDY 

OCCURRED 


The  parents  of  Red  Riding  Hood 
Were  sharks  for  scientific  food, 
And  members  of  a  hygiene  club 
That  lived  on  predigested  grub. 

When  Mrs.  Hood  was  touched  with  grace 
She  thought  of  heaven,  as  a  place 
Where  all  is  anticepticized 
And  even  the  harps  are  sterilized. 

It  chanced  one  day  that   Grandma  Hood, 
Who  lived  alone  within  a  wood, 
Of  Bunco  Biscuits  ate  her  fill 
And  fell  quite  seriously  ill. 
6 


LITTLE  RED  RIDING  HOOD.    Page  7 

Then  Mother  said  to  Riding  Hood, 
**Take  this  assorted  breakfast  food 
To  Grandma,  and  the  Wolf,  beware. 
For  germs  are  lurking  in  his  hair." 

So  Riding  Hood  she  skipped  along 
And  hummed  an  artless,  childish  song. 
Her  thoughts  reverting  as  she  went 
On  Health  and  Self- Development. 

But  as  she  sauntered  through  the  wild 
The  great  gray   Wolf  peered   out   and 

smiled. 
**A  health  food  baby!"  chuckled  he. 
** That's  plenty  good  enough  for  me." 

So,  murmuring,  * '  Today  I  dine ! ' ' 
He  hastened  over  twig  and  vine 
Unto  the  leaf-surrounded  dell 
Where  Grandma  was  supposed  to  dwell. 

But  Grandma's  fates  were  kind  that  day. 
It  seemed  that  she  had  gone  away 
To  see  a  football  game,  as  far 
As  Cambridge,  in  her  auto-car. 

Now  Wolf  got  into  Grandma's  bed 
And  cuddled  underneath  the  spread, 
And  soon  he  dreamed  of  breakfast  food 
In  shape  of  Little  Riding  Hood, 

Till  presently  the  door  was  ope'd 
And  wee  Miss  Hood  demurely  groped 
Into  the  darkened  room,  and  saw 
The  wolfish,  Foxy  Grandmamma. 


LITTLE  RED  RIDING  HOOD.    Page  8 


She  said,  *  *  Good  morning,  Grandma  dear  ! 
Tve  something  extra  healthful  here.*' 
The  Wolf  lay  moaning  on  his  side. 
**What  have  you    brought  me,    child?'* 
he  cried. 

**Some  Cracky- Jacky  Crisps,*'  she  said, 
**And  Dippy*  s  Predigested  Bread, 
Some  Sawdust  Flakes  and   Shaving   Oats, 
And    Johnson's    Ready    Stick  -  in  -  Your- 
Throats." 

*  *  Enough  !  *  *  his  Wolfship  gave  a  roar. 
**You  needn*t  tell  me  any  more. 
Come  hither,  child — gr-r-r-oo !  gr-r-r-r-oo ! 
Vm  going  for  to  swaller  YOU!*' 

Did  Ridie  quail,  did  Ridie  flinch? 
Never,  sweet  child — it  was  a  cinch. 
She  cast  a  scornful  look,  and  bold, 
And  hissed,    '  *  Uncultured   monster,  hold  ! 

**Do  you  appreciate  the  break 
That  you  are  just  about  to  make? 
Your  hopes  of  health  are  minimized — 
Why,  I'm  not  even  Pasteurized!*' 

The  Wolfs  gray  visage  paled  with  fright. 
**If  you  would  eat,"  she  said,  *'you  might 
Try  Stick-in-Your-Throats   for   Brain   and 

Nerve  — 
Just  add  skimmed  buttermilk,  then  serve.  *  * 

The  Wolf  replied,   ''You're  very  kind; 
ril  try  a  bite,  if  you  don't  mind.*' 
So  Ridie  got  a  dish,  and  soon 
She  fed  him  health  food  with  a  spoon. 


LITTLE  RED  RIDING  HOOD.    Page  9 


And  when  the  monster  had  enough 

To  kill  a  camel  of  the  stuff, 

His    breath    grew    weak,    his    eyes   grew 

dim  — 
The  breakfast  food  had  done  for  him. 

At  length  she  heard  his  dying  groan, 
And  faint  and  fainter  came  his  moan. 
Then  Ridie  chuckled  in  delight, 
*a  knew  Fd  fix  the  Wolf  all  right.'' 


Now  Riding  Hood,  immortalized, 
A  health  food  child  is  advertised. 

*  *  This  child, ' '  the  street  car  placard  quotes, 

*  *  Was  saved  from  death  by  Stick-in- Your- 

Throats.'* 


urn  IN  THE  WOOD,  BY  OEED  OF 

HEROIC  COOLNESS,  THWART 

PUINS  OF  OESPERUTE 


MILLIONAIRE  JONES,  THE  FATHER, 
ALMOST  MAKES  STATEMENTS  WHICH 
WOULD  JAR  FASHIONABLE  SUBURBS 


Celestine  and  Cecil  were  beautiful  twins, 
The  children  of  Timothy  Jones  — 

Who  lives  on  the  Square  in  the  manse  over  there 
And  is  mentioned  in  reverent  tones. 

I've  Mrs.  Jones'  word  for  their  wonderful  traits, 
And  their  virtues  I  fain  would  rehearse  ; 

But  whenever  they  budged  they  were  sadly  mis- 
judged 
By  their  sordidly  practical  nurse. 

They  were  surely  the  life  of  the  household  of 
Jones 
(  They  were  almost  the  death  of  it,  too  ), 
And  the  servants  were  vexed  with  the  question  : 
What  next 
Will  that  Cecil  and  Celestine  do  ? 
10 


BABES  IN  THE  WOOD.    Page  11 


At  the  first  flush  of  morning  they  woke  with  a  wail 
Which  they  kept  up  in  relays  till  night ; 

They  caught  the  Angora  and  twisted  her  tail 
And  tumbled  downstairs  with  delight. 

If  the  duo  cherubic  were  silent  a  while 
It  simply  meant  future  unrest — 

They  were  plotting  things  dire  or  starting  a  fire 
Or  robbing  the  medicine  chest. 

When  Cecil  hit  sister  then  sister  would  scream 
With  the  voice  of  a  banshee  in  pain  ; 

Then  she'd  fall  upon  Cecil  and  ragefully  wrestle 
Till  infantile  Babel  would  reign. 

If  they  went  for  a  ramble  with  Pansy,  the  nurse, 
They  shouted  for  everything  near  ; 

They  wanted  an  auto,  a  push-cart,  a  hearse, 
A  brewery  dray  loaded  with  beer. 

And  should  Pansy  refuse  them  the  wish  of  their 
hearts 

Their  keen  disappointment  was  plain. 
And  again  they'd  give  vent  to  a  tearful  lament. 

Like  the  voice  of  a  banshee  in  pain. 

Their  mother  would  say,  ''They  have  sensitive 
souls  — 
You're  harsh  with  them.  Pansy,  indeed." 
But  the  nurse,  when  alone,  would  remark  with 
a  moan, 
**  It's  a  good  Irish  shpankin'  they  need !  " 


BABES  IN  THE  WOOD.    Page  12 


One  morning  two  strangers  arrived  in  the  town, 
Glum  Charlie  and  Snickering  Jo. 

They  were  filled  with  the  zeal  of  a  business  deal 
For  the  Amsterdam  Kidnapping  Co. 

When  they  saw  the  magnificent  mansion  of  Jones, 
Jo  whispered,  * '  Hi,  matey,  here' s  luck  ! 

Old  Jones  has  got  shiners  and  duplicate  minors  — 
We'll  pinch  de  kids  lightly  and  duck.'' 

As  Pansy,  the  nurse,  and  her  intimate,  Mae, 
Went  forth  with  the  twins  down  the  row, 

There  swung  into  view  two  policemen  in  blue 
(Of  course  they  were  Charlie  and  Jo). 

They  lauded  poor  Pansy's  complexion  and  eyes. 
And  the  ladylike  manner  of  Mae, 

Till  Mae  said,   *^Tee-hee!"  and  Pansy,  ^'Law 
me!" 
In  a  very  conventional  way. 

Thus,  trifling,  they  came  to  an  isolate  wood. 
Where  Jo  to  his  mate  whistled  thrice. 

Then  with  impolite  curses  they  handcuffed  the 
nurses, 
And  seized  on  the  twins  in  a  trice. 

As   the   ladies   explained,    **We  was  that  took 
aback"— 
I  am  sure   they'd   have   screamed  if  they 
could — 
But  they  saw  the  thieves  slip  the  dear  babes  in 
a  grip 
And  strike  for  the  depths  of  the  wood. 


BABES  IN  THE  WOOD.    Page  13 


You'd  better  believe  there  was  trouble  in  town 
When  the  loss  of  the  twins  was  divined. 

Mrs.  Jones,  growing  gray,  nicely  fainted  away, 
With  remarkable  presence  of  mind. 

Imperious  Timothy  Jones  beat  his  breast 

And  rushed  to  the  phone  with  a  bound  ; 

Called  up  Major  McGeese,  the  Chief  of  Police, 
And  ordered  that  worthy  around. 

The   Chief  told   the   Captain,   the   Captain   the 
Sergeant, 

The  Sergeant  he  called  out  the  guard. 
Who  seized,  on  suspicion,  a  drunken  physician  — 

They  really  worked  very  hard. 

For  he  was  a  genius,  the  Chief  of  Police, 
An  expert  on  crime's  outs  and  ins  ; 

So  he  did  all  the  splendid  occasion  demanded  — 
Except  to  recover  the  twins. 

He  made  out  a  schedule,  he  signed  a  report, 

He  ordered  his  janitor,  Jim, 
To  sweep  out  the  hall — which  was  certainly  all 

That  could  be  expected  of  him. 

A  week  thus  elapsed,  when  a  marvel  occurred 
Which  no  one  could  quite  understand  — 

The  bandits  came  back  looking  sickly  and  slack. 
And  leading  the  twins  by  the  hand. 

They  limped  to  the  mansion  of  Timothy  Jones, 
And  met  him  with  tears  in  their  eyes  : 

**  O  kind  Mister,  please,  we've  brought  you  back 
These, 
Though  we  know  it's  a  nawful  surprise ! 


BABES  IN  THE  WOOD.    Page  14 


*'But  Charlie/*  said   Jo,    ''isn't  strong  in   his 
nerves 

(  I  tell  you  I  pities  their  nuss  ). 
We've  handled  tough  cases  in  different  places, 

But  these  was  too  peevish  for  us. 

' '  They  squalled  and  they  bellered,  they  howled 
and  they  yelled, 
They  kicked  of  our  calves  and  our  shins, 
They  bit  and  they  scrapped  while  a-being  kid- 
napped. 
And  they  paid  us  up  good  for  our  sins. 

''We  had  to  sing  lullabies  to  'em  by  night, 

We  had  to  amuse  'em  by  day. 
When  we  gits  such  a  deal  we  imeejutly  feel 

That  the  kidnapping  bizness  don't  pay. 

"We  don't  want  no  ransom  for  bringin'  'em 
back  — 

Don't  care  if  they  take  us  to  jail. 
What  we  think  of  as  best  is  a  decent  night's  rest 

Far  away  from  a  howl  or  a  wail. ' ' 

The  father  had  lived  with  the  twins  for  so  long 
That  he  knew  the  poor  kidnappers'  woe, 

So  he  let  'em  go  free,  giving  Charlie  a  dime 
And  a  quarter  to  Snickering  Jo. 

So  Celestine  and  Cecil,  returned  to  their  home, 
Made  the  hour  of  deliverance  plain. 

When  the  ancestral  halls  thrilled  once  more  with 
their  bawls. 
Like  the  voice  of  a  banshee  in  pain. 


WIS  IT  GLASS? 


L 

ELUUSTWRHIIINII 
lEO  BALL  GOWN 


JILTEDBYADUKE,  SHE  BECOMES 
AN  HEIRESS 


Have  you  heard  of  Cinderella,  little  grown-up 
girls  and  boys, 

She  who  stirred  up  all  that  scandal  and  cre- 
ated such  a  noise,  — 

She  who  caused  that  fuss  last  summer  through 
the  losing  of  a  shoe, 

Till  the  Sunday  papers  wrote  her  up — and 
what  they  told  was  true? 

Cinderella's  dashing  father,  when  he  got  his 
first  divorce. 

Met  a  very  wealthy  widow.  They  were  mar- 
ried in  due  course; 

So  the  maiden  took  the  background  while  the 
widow's  ugly  girls 

Squandered  freely  in  attempts  to  catch  some 
bargain  Dukes  and  Earls. 
15 


CINDERELLA.    Page  16 


They  had  their  Newport  seasons,  automobiles, 
yachts  and  dances, 

Their  winter  trips  and  diamonds,  their  con- 
quests and  romances. 

While  patient  Cinderella  at  a  hardwood  desk 
must  stay 

A-working  as  stenographer  at  fifty  cents  a  day. 

At  last,  across  the  ocean,  came  the  Duke  of 
Fiddlestick 

(He  was  eligibly  reckless,  for  he  needed 
money  quick). 

So  in  order  most  politely  to  convene  the  mil- 
lions all. 

He  tendered  to  Society  a  gorgeous  fancy  ball. 

Cinderella's  false    stepsisters  were  invited  for 

to  go. 
But  when  she  asked  to  tag  along,  the  haughty 

dabs  said  '^No!'' 
Then   they  swept    into   their   carriage,  leaving 

Ella  all  alone, 
Till  she  thought  of  her  good   Fairy;   so  she 

rang  her  up  by  phone. 

At  a  masquerade  costumer's,  in  the  middle  of 
the  town. 

Did  the  Fairy  hire  a  brilliant,  rather  stagey 
Paris  gown. 

And  a  pair  of  diamond  slippers,  in  which  bor- 
rowed elegance 

Cinderella  draped  her  figure,  and  was  hurried 
to  the  dance. 


CINDERELLA.    Page  17 


Probably  you've  not  forgotten  how  she  stormed 

the  ball  incog, 
How  the  eyes  were  all  upon  her  and  the  ears 

were  all  agog, 
Till  the  marriage  brokers  present,  noticing  her 

jeweled  shoes. 
Swore  she  was  a  coal  king's  daughter  who  had 

rocks  to  burn  and  lose. 

Then  the  Duke  made  haste  to  know  her,  and 

together  soon  they  whirled. 
Till   through   half  a   dozen  waltzes   they  were 

rapturously  twirled  ; 
For  the  Duke  had  seen  the  slippers   gleaming 

with  prismatic  light. 
And  he  sighed,  **I  need  the  money'' — it  was 

passion  at  first  sight. 

Marking  not   the   moments'  passing,  suddenly 

they  came  to  rue  it 
When  the  clock  upon  the  steeple  chimed  out 

twelve  before  they  knew  it. 
Then  the  maiden,  faint  and  flustered,  cast  her 

anxious  thoughts  afar, 
For  she  lived  in  Tuskaroora  and  she  feared  to 

miss  her  car. 

Cinderella  fled  the  ballroom,  home-bound  trol- 
leys in  her  mind. 

But  she  stumbled  as  she  ran  and  left  a  diamond 
shoe  behind. 

And  a  janitor  who  found  it  bore  it  to  Monsieur 
le  Due, 

Who   lamented,   *  *  Gone   forever  !    I  have   lost 
her — just  my  luck  !  " 

H;  Hi  Hi  >f:  *  * 


CINDERELLA.    Page  18 


Soon   the    hopeless   weeks  were   passing,    and 

the  duke,   in  grave  distress, 
Saw  himself  grow    poor   and    poorer   and    his 

credit  less  and  less ; 
Yet  in  very  frenzy  of  despair  he  searched  the 

city  through 
For  some  fabulously  wealthy  girl  who'd  lost  a 

jeweled  shoe. 

Finally   fair    Cinderella    saw    this    *  *  Personal ' ' 

come  up 
In   the   smaller    ''ads"  appended   to   a   useful 

Sunday  Supp : 
^^  If  she  who  lost  the  diamond  shoe  desires  her 

fate  to  meet^ 
She'll   call  for  property    today    at  12    East 

Bullion  Streets 

Cinderella  brushed  her  walking  skirt — the  only 

one  she  had  — 
Put  on  her  hat  and   sought   the   Ducal   offices 

like  mad. 
The   Duke,    who  waited   for   her,   cried,    "My 

darling,  is  it  you? 
You*  re  just  in  time,  for  I  have  gone  and  pawned 

your  diamond  shoe. 

' '  Now  we  must  haste  to  yonder  kirk  and  find 
a  holy  man, 

So  let  your  hand  and  purse  be  mine  and  pub- 
lished be  the  bann. 

Fve  seen  your  flashlight  footwear,  girl,  and  I 
can  plainly  see 

An  heiress  wearing  shoes  like  those  is  good 
enough  for  me.'* 


CINDERELLA.    Page  19 


**rm  fond  of  you/'  Cinderella  said,  **but 
prithee,  hear  me,  sir. 

I  am  no  heiress,  but  a  poor,  ill-paid  stenog- 
rapher ; 

And  e*en  the  slipper  that  you  found  upon  the 
floor  —  alas  ! 

*Tis  not  composed  of  diamonds — oh,  forgive 
me  !  —  it  is  glass  ! ' ' 

''False — glass!"  he  cried.  **How  dare  you 
mock  me,  trifle  with  me  so  ? 

My  heart  is  broken  —  /  am  broke — the  ele- 
vator— go !  '* 

And  as  the  damsel  took  the  lift  and  left  His 
Royal  Nobs, 

The  building  shook  and  trembled  with  the 
anguish  of  his  sobs. 


'Tis  well  that  Love,  though  sore  betrayed,  need 
not  for  long  despair. 

That  bleeding  Cupid  still  may  find  a  balm  some- 
how, somewhere  — 

And  e'en  the  hapless  nobleman,  when  marriage 
doesn't  pay. 

May  take  to  driving  hansom  cabs,  or  work  in 
some  caf(^. 

One  week  passed  by.      The  Duke  forgot  and 

wed  'midst  joy  and  laughter 
Cinderella's  maiden  sister  and  was  happy  ever 

after ; 
But  Cinderella's  now  become  a  lady  millionaire 
Through  selling  **  Cinderella  Shoes,  $3.00  net 

the  pair.** 


HElREDTHEeiT! 

WEIRD  CASE  OF  II PENNSYLVIINIII 
YOUNCSTER  WITH  STRXiieE 
L 


DUE  TO  PECULIAR  OUTCOME 

JACK  THE  SLAYER  WILL  NOT  BE 

PROSECUTED 


In  a  Standard  Oil  village,  not  many  years  back, 
Lived  a  smart  little  youngster   whose  name  it 

was  Jack. 
He  was  brave  and  ambitious,  alive  and  alert. 
And  he  longed  to  kill  giants  so  bad  that  it  hurt ; 
So  he  dreamed  all  about  ^em  by  day  and  by 

night  — 
But  it  seemed  the  closed  season,  for  none  were 

in  sight. 

Now  it   happened  one  day   that  he   heard   his 

Pa  say 
That  the  country  was  going  to  tiogs  in  a  way 
That  was  shocking,  all  due  to  the  coin-getting 

lusts 
Of  those  horrible,  man-eating  giants,  the  Trusts. 

20 


JACK  THE  GIANT-KILLER.    Page  21 


*  *  Ha,  here  is  my  chance  !  *  *  cried  adventurous 

Jack. 
**ril  slay   one  and   bring  home  his  head  in  a 

sack.'' 

So  he  packed  his  valise  in  the  night,  for  he  knew 
That  the  city  was  where  all  the  Trust  Giants 

grew, 
And  he  boarded  the  Gun  Shot  Express,  which 

could  scoot 
Just  as  swiftly  with  Jack  as  the  Seven  League 

Boot  ; 
And  the  first  thing  he  knew  he  was  harshly 

let  down 
At  the  Grand  Central  sheds  of  a  flourishing 

town. 

At  his  desk  Mr.  Ogre,  the  Standard  Oil  king, 
Sat  all  unsuspecting,  not  doing  a  thing 
But  cutting  off  coupons  and  trimming  the  ends 
And  baling  and  sorting  the  crisp  dividends, 
While  close  by  his  side  his  utility  man 
Stood  sprinkling  the  stock  from  a  watering-can. 

Mr.  Ogre  was  scarcely  unpleasant  to  see — 

A  rather  benevolent  monster  was  he, 

With  sideburns  and  spectacles ;  one  who  might 

pass 
As  the   millionaire    head  of   a   Sunday-school 

class; 
And  his  features  Gargantuan  beamed  as  before 
When  there  came  a  loud  rat-tat-tat  knock  at  the 

door. 


JACK  THE  GIANT-KILLER.    Page  22 


Then   entered    our    hero    who   paled    through 

his  tan 
When     the     Giant     out-thundered,      **GOOD 

MORNING,  YOUNG  MAN!'* 
Poor  Jack  slightly  quaked  as  the  moment  drew 

near — 
From  lack  of  experience  rather  than  fear  — 
And  he  stuttered,   **Kind   Sir,  I'll   confess,  if 

I  must — 
Pve   come   here   to   kill  you,    for  you   are   a 

Trust/' 

**It's  true  that  I  am,'*  said  the  Trust  in  alarm, 
**But   lay  down   your   hatchet  and   do  me  no 

harm. 
I  cannot  deny  what  is  dreadfully  plain, 
But    Fve    tried   to   reform,  though   my  efforts 

were  vain ; 
For  I  find,  to  my  sorrow  and  earnest  dismay, 
That  I  seem  to  grow  trustier  every  day. 

**  Stay  with  me,  my  boy,  for  I'm  fond  of  a  bluff, 
And   I'll    teach    you    the    trick    of   acquiring 

The  Stuff; 
And  I  think   that   you'll  find,  to   your  honest 

surprise. 
That  Giants  are  human  in  spite  of  their   size. 
Now  go  get  a  job  in  my  freight  elevator  — 
And  I  trust,  if  you  hustle,  I'll  hear  from  you 

later." 


JACK  THE  GIANT-KILLER.    Page  23 


Did  Jack  kill  the  Giant?  It  grieves  me  to  say 
That  his  object  grew  fainter  and  farther  away  ; 
For  the  freight  elevator  it  raised  him  so  fast 
That  he  rose  to  the  treasurer's  office  at  last, 
Where  he  cleaned  out  The  Street  in  a  won- 
derful deal, 
A  soft  snap  in   cotton,   a  hard   cinch   in   steel. 

And  his  harvest  of  stocks  so  enormously  grew 
That  Jack  was  a  Giant  the  first  thing  he  knew. 
So  he  married  Miss  Ogre  one  gentle  June  day, 
The  daughter  of  him  he  had  first  sworn  to  slay. 
Now  Jack  is  a  monster  so  mighty  and  grim 
That  whole  flocks  of  Giants  are  working  for  him. 

Let  me  tell   you  how  Jack — ere  this  narrative 

closes — 
One  day  in  his  auto,    **The  Tuberculosis," 
Went  back  to  the  home  town  he'd  left  in  the 

lurch, 
Endowing  a   library,    gas-works    and    church. 
And  he  chose  him  a  site  on  a  mountainside  lot 
For  his  new  improved   castle  called  **Jack-on- 

the-Spot.'* 


These  poor  old  chestnuts  from  tJieir  sack     \ 
r  ve  pulled^  though  all  unwilling. 

r  ve  cracked  their  husks  and  put  them  back 
With  somewhat  altered  filling. 

For  whaV s  the  use  of  Fairy-Tales 

In  this  bright  age  and  nation 
Where  no  new  scandal  tips  the  scales 

Without  investigation  f 

Thus ^  you  think  my  Riding  Hood 

A  fabrication  hollow, 
Pve  served  her  as  a  Breakfast  Food — 

Not  quite  so  hard  to  swallow. 

The  Fairy  folk  are  with  us  stilly 

Ye  skeptics  of  the  minute; 
But  they  are  doing  vaudeville^ 

For  there  is  money  in  it. 

In  this  disguise  they^ve  com^  to  town 

A  stagey  lot ,  for  certain. 
You've  caught  them  in  the  act — ring  down 

The  advertising  curtain. 


FINIS 

THE  CROSS  MARKS  THE 
SPOT 


■A*4AAAA4**«>^*AAA0i>, 


CinCDlllTION  IFFIDIVIT 

The  Love  Sonnets  of  a  Hoodlum. 
Sold  to  date  lo  large  editions.  Demand 
rapidly  increasing. 


A4AA4A**4AAA4A 


BlGiNi;  NOTES 


Omar  Khayyam,  Junior,  astrong  favor- 
ite, wins  the  second  heat. 


-|^...^^A.>^^->^^^^^^AA^A.>A^AAAA^AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 


WEITHER  FOBECIST 

High  brisk  sales  and  warm  reception 
of  Fairy-Tales  Up  To  Now.  All  signs 
point  to  continued  steady  trade-winds  from 
the  West. 


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